This post will have spoilers. (It is known.) I have decided to start this series of reviews, because none of my friends are up to date with Game of Thrones, and at some point I know I will want to rant about this. So to the 3 people that sometimes view my blog – lucky you. Also I have only read the first 3 or 4 books. So none of this means anything to me.
What a welcome back to Westeros. I forgot how much of a shitstorm it was left in. I got distracted by the Jon Snow saga and overlooked the fact that everything else is the fucking worst. But in spite of this, The Red Woman still wins the award for the Most Underwhelming Season Premiere.
The episode starts at The Wall. Jon Snow, apparently, is dead. They prove this by having him lying, stiff as a board, in the background of almost every scene. Ser Davos and the small portion of brothers still loyal to Jon, find his corpse and spend the rest of an episode locked in a room with Melisandre and Ghost waiting for Dolorous Edd to return with help. All to get out of that hellhole unscathed by Ser Alliser and the rest of the Night’s Watch. But just when Ser Davos believes that Melisandre can save them all, she decides to strip and become an old woman. Great. Speaking of which, I am getting sick and tired of the gratuitous nudity that only women seem to have to deal with. I know everyone has been saying this for years now, but for fuck sakes. Can’t we see a penis just to even things out? “Oh shit!!! There aren’t any boobs in our premiere episode!!!! Shit, ok so how about this – the Red Lady takes off her clothes, which you know, means something, but then… we see her for the 400 year old witch she is.” Brilliant.
Then we move to Winterfell, where the Boltons are still in power, and Sansa and Theon/Reek are fucked. Except, wait a minute – no they’re not. Brienne of Tarth and Pod the walking penis finally reach Sansa. This section was actually kind of good. Beneath all the Reek-ing, Theon is still Theon – and for once he comes through. Theon and Sansa go on to share a sweet moment, where I just know that Sansa was dreaming of Winterfell. I’ve really grown to love Sansa, and if I have to listen to her being raped and tortured ever again, I’m going to crack the shits. This better be the start of (slightly) better times for her.
Now we are in King’s Landing, where Cersei and Jaime both lament the death of Myrcella, with matching terrible haircuts. So that happened. Meanwhile, Margaery is still locked up in the Sept. We also see the High Sparrow – who always seems so cool and wise and who always makes me forget he is leading a radical religious group. Every fucking time.
Okay here is where shit goes down – Dorne. Freaking Dorne. I am among the people who thought the Dorne subplot last year was laughably bad. The writing… oh god, the writing. Anyway, here’s what you need to know: Ellaria and her stupid sandsnakes kill Doran Martell, then some other sandsnakes kill Prince Trystane. And because the sandsnakes are teenagers, one of them calls the other a bitch for taking her kill. What a quirky little line, that instantly reminds me that, hey, maybe they aren’t so different to me and my sisters after all. Except that sentiment means shit all for this TV show.
Then we are sent back to Meereen, to watch Varys and Tyrion try to save the city. They walk around a lot in commoner clothes and lament how out of touch Danaerys has become. But lo – someone has burnt down all the ships in the harbour. Oh no what a plot twist!! Because you know, if the ships were still there I’m sure Danaerys would have been ready to leave for Westeros in like a day or two. Damn!! While this is all happening, Ser Jorah and Daario Neharis realise that Danaerys has been taken by the Dothraki. In the Dothraki camp Danaerys attempts to impress Khal Moro into not raping her. It doesn’t work until he realises that she is Khal Drogo’s Khaleesi, and sends her to the place for the other ex-Khaleesis. I don’t know what to say for this bit. How about, “Eh.”
Finally, we catch up with Arya who has become blind to pay for her sins (trying on dead people’s faces). She is a beggar and doesn’t have super heightened hearing to make up for it. She even has a coin or two in her bowl, until the Faceless girl (apparently known as the Waif) comes and beats the shit out of her. And apparently it’s going to happen again and again. Take that Arya.
The Red Woman didn’t have any stand out moments. The dialogue was bland or just plain out of place. The only moment I thought was memorable was the hug between Sansa and Theon. It certainly wasn’t an inspiring or particularly interesting start to season six. Having said that, I have literally no idea where this season is going to go because of how Stark the future looks (ha ha). Everything sucks and we haven’t even seen the White Walkers yet. Stay tuned folks.
Here is your tally for the episode:
- Boob count: 2 (do old lady boobs count?)
- Number of Jon Snow corpses: 1
- Number of times I checked my phone: 3
- Number of times I tried to brighten the screen: 4
- Bran sightings: 0
Game of Thrones, Season 6 Episode 1 – The Red Woman: 6/10